Updated: Mar 15
Through my Mess, I am finding Beauty.
I NEED to start off by saying, this is really HARD for me to talk about and for a couple reasons..
I am a very personal person and I am not a fan of sharing my hardships and the people who I am very close with are the only ones who know my story...and even with them I don't like talking about it because what follows is pain and anguish.
It was cold but I was sweating. I remember sitting on my toilet in the middle of the night sobbing quietly so I didn't alarm my husband.. spreading my legs to find blood just dripping and dripping into the toilet.
"Why" I whispered... "Why? Does this keep happening to me...to us?"
For almost four years, we have been trying to conceive. Four years..
To some, you may think "thats nothing" or "thats not that long"..but for a mother who is waiting patiently, hoping and praying, only to have failed test after failed test.. month after month seems like lifetime.
I honestly can't even put into words how much heartbreak and disappointment comes with a period.
My heart aches constantly and there is always the thought of when? I am always praying about it but at times, find myself doubting God's plan for me.
And I don't have the answer to my questions or thoughts. But God does. He knows. And He sees me. He sees all of the pain, all of the fallen tears, all of our prayers, all of the heartbreak and all of the nights I find myself wrestling with the enemy and self doubt.
A lot of my friends and family are getting pregnant and having babies and it truly does bring me so much joy but in that joy there is also so much pain.
This makes me seem selfish..I know..I'm sorry..
I try my hardest to be happy and celebrate their blessing with them but a lot of the time in that happiness, there is so much pain and all I can think is "When God?! When will it be our turn!? When will you bless us with another beautiful child".
I know there are so many other mothers who have struggled with the same issue or have conceived but lost a sweet child too soon and sometimes unfortunately even both.
I know there are mothers who I'm sure have gone through it and have gone through it worse than I have.
I don't talk about it nor do I like to..because it makes me seem so selfish.
My emotions are HIGH.
I am constantly getting emotional and breaking down.
Even now, I am sobbing as I'm typing this. I know I need to talk about it and as much as I hate to talk about such personal deep things, I know it will help me.
I LOVE this saying
"Grow Through What You Go Through"
Like everyone I'm sure, all of the many things I've gone through have formed me into the woman I am today and I am so grateful to God to have gone through these seasons of pain, uncomfortableness, vulnerability, hardship and waiting. Not only have they helped me grow in areas I never imagined growing in (patience and vulnerability) but I've learned to lean on women and built friendships I never thought of having.
"Its okay to not be okay AND its okay to not have it all figured out."
I have been told this so many times and would literally just roll my eyes. Why?..because for me it was never okay. Growing up I felt like I was never enough and always felt like I had to do more, be more and show more. Like what I had to offer and who I was, wasn't enough. Especially when it came to family.
I was always made to feel that I should be "this way" and should never act "like this" or I was "this". So initially, this caused me to stay on the continuous path of trying to be the person I was told I needed to be. It wasn't okay to not be okay because it showed all of my weaknesses. It wasn't okay to not have it all figured out because it showed all of my flaws and every single area I struggled with in my life and who would love such a person...right?
I was once that woman, who had to have it "all together" and even when I knew I didn't I would put on my best show to make others believe it. Whenever anyone would push the question "When are you guys going to have a baby!?" I would smile and say "Soon! We have actually just started trying!"
I was constantly lying to MYSELF and to OTHERS.
Reality quickly slapped me in the face, and more times than I can count.
Even though, deep down inside I was drowning and continuously finding myself face down on the floor because of feelings of failure.
I didn't like failing, I mean I don't. Who does? The way failing makes me feel or the things I think about myself because of it, sometimes leaves me feeling worthless or not enough.
So getting married and my husband being so ready to start a family and us struggling to conceive for almost four years, makes that feeling one hundred times worse.
I was continuously left feeling like I was letting him down, like I was letting myself down.
I can see the pain in his eyes.
And as I see his pain, my pain and insecurities kick in.
I struggle to sleep at night and my doubts worsen.
Continuous questions replay over and over in my mind..when we will be blessed with another beautiful child? When will this season of waiting end?
I don't know...
Family members and some friends tell me "You should go to the doctors and do it that way"
You may even be reading this and are thinking the same thing..
But the truth is...I don't want to.
There are a couple things that factor into that decision.... but the main reason..the one that is keeping me from making that choice.. is that I've see God move in the darkest places of my life.
And I mean the DARKEST places.
So I can't even imagine what this breakthrough will look like for me..FOR US.